Glynn Moore

What if celebrities gossiped about the rest of us?
by Glynn Moore
Morris News Service

July 25, 2005

The telephone rang in Angelina Jolie's big, luxurious, fancy, gated, gold-plated, well-guarded, labyrinthine Hollywood mansion.

"Hello?"

"It's me, Angelina."

"Brad Pitt! What are you doing calling me on the phone? Aren't you in my house somewhere?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean we're an item. Right?"

"No, of course not. We're just friends. Heh, heh."

"Anyway, when I woke up, you were gone and I tried to find you and I got lost somewhere on the third floor and -"

"Calm down, Brad, calm down. You're going to be OK. What can I do for you?"

"Have you seen my copy of Normal People magazine? I had it before I went to sleep."

"I borrowed it, Brad. I mean, just one look at it, and I had to read the cover story."

"I know what you mean. Can you believe all that they wrote about Glynn Moore?"

Angelina flipped through the new issue of Normal People as they spoke.

"I'm having a hard time believing it," she said. "But it's just too fascinating to put down. It's like trying not to watch one of my movies."

"Yeah, but look at the photos of that guy wearing khaki pants and a blue dress shirt in public," Brad said. "How does he get away with such an outfit? I can just see me trying to wear something like that when I dine out in Monte Carlo or Paris."

"Don't ever let me catch you trying to get away with that, Brad," Angelina said. "I'd have you committed."

"I'd go willingly," Brad said. "And did you read where he and his wife were seen together at church?"

"What? No, I didn't read that far yet, but that's disgusting. They're married and they went out together?"

"To church, Angelina. To church."

"Surely you misread that, Brad. Maybe they were meeting their other partners for Kabbalah or were taking Scientology class or something."

"No, I swear. It chills my blood. Don't those people realize that we read about them and might imitate them? What if I had spent last weekend with my wife instead of Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Halle Berry and three of the Desperate Housewives?"

"It's OK, Brad. You're not married; you're separated."

"Of course. Oh, and Normal People also says Glynn has been dieting lately."

"Really? I hope they tell which diet he's on. I could lose a pound."

"He's on something called the 'It's Another Week Until Payday and All We Have in the House is Macaroni and Cheese Diet.'"

"Hmm. I've never heard of that, Brad. You'd think pasta would be fattening, wouldn't you? But if it's good enough for Glynn and Normal People magazine, it's good enough for me. Let's try it."

"OK, but don't forget that Oprah and Rene Zellweger are coming over for dinner tonight. It's a bad time to be starting a diet."

"Ooh, that's right. Does the magazine say what kind of wine Glynn serves on that diet?"

"Hmm. It says here he generally has ice water with it while watching television."

"What? Where do his guests sit?"

"No guests, if you can believe that. It says he and his wife 'dine alone after a hard day at work.'"

"Work? Hah! I'll bet these people haven't worked a day in their lives. They should have to live like us for a week, and they'd be grateful to return to their glamorous world. Sometimes I think Normal People doesn't know what it's talking about."

"That's what I thought at first, Angelina, but then I realized that they couldn't print this stuff if it weren't true."